An Alternative Inaugural Address

I found this while perusing the web:

An Alternative Inaugural Address
From the January 24, 2005 issue: What if George W. Bush weren't a compassionate conservative . . .
by P.J. O'Rourke
01/24/2005, Volume 010, Issue 18



MY FELLOW AMERICANS, I had intended to reach out to all of you and bring a divided nation together. But I changed my mind. America isn't divided by political ethos or ethnic origin. America isn't divided by region or religion. America is divided by jerks. Who wants to bring a bunch of jerks together with the rest of us? Let them stew in Berkeley, Boston, and Ann Arbor.

The media say that I won the election on the strength of moral values. If the other fellow had become president, would the media have said that he won the election on the strength of immoral values? For once the media would have been right.

We are all sinners. But jerks revel in their sins. You can tell by their reaction to the Ten Commandments. Post those Ten Commandments in a courthouse or a statehouse, in a public school or a public park, and the jerks go crazy. Why is that? Christians believe in the Ten Commandments. So do Muslims. Jews, too, obviously. Show the Ten Commandments to Hindus, Buddhists, Confucians, or to people with just good will and common sense and nobody says, "Whoa! That's all wrong!"

But jerks take issue with every one of the Ten Commandments. Jerks are particularly offended by the first two Commandments. Of course people of faith, decent people, differ on interpretations of the first two Commandments. For example, we don't all agree about the meaning of "Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image." However, we do all agree about "Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them" when them is Freud, Marx, and Dan Rather.

"Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain." How many times, over the last few months, have we heard, "Ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod, I can't believe George Bush won"?

"Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy." Let's be fair about this. We did see a lot of white, non-Hispanic Democrats in churches in 2004. But they were all running for president. And the churches were inner-city black churches. I happen to know that there are churches in the white, non-Hispanic suburbs where these Democrats live. Apparently jerks can't find them.

"Honor thy father and thy mother." Are telling lies about a bankrupt Social Security system and trying to block its privatization reform ways to do this?

"Thou shalt not kill." Why, in the opinion of jerks, is it wrong to kill a baby but all right to kill a baby that's so little he hasn't been born yet? And why do the same jerks who favor abortion oppose the death penalty? We can imagine people so full of loving kindness that they can accept neither the abortionist nor the executioner. We can even imagine people so cold-hearted that they embrace them both. But it takes a real jerk to argue in favor of killing perfect innocents and letting Terry Nichols live.

"Thou shalt not commit adultery." The jerks have begun praising marriage lately. But only if the bride and groom each have a beard.

"Thou shalt not steal." In 2004 the United States government spent $2,318,800,000,000. Thus every American benefited from $7,919.37 worth of federal services. Let me ask the jerks something. Say you're average jerks, a "blended family" of four. Did you pay $31,677.48 in taxes last year? If you didn't, you took things from other Americans. What did you give in return?

"Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor." Especially not in return for vast wealth, abundant prizes, and lavish praise from fellow jerks. I'm talking to you, Michael Moore.

And then there is the Tenth Commandment. "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbor's." The Ten Commandments are God's basic rules about how we should live--a brief list of sacred obligations and solemn moral precepts. The first nine Commandments concern theological principles and social law. But then, right at the end, is "Don't envy your buddy's cow." How did that make the top ten? What's it doing there? Why would God, with just ten things to tell Moses, choose as one of those things jealousy about the starter mansion with in-ground pool next door?

Yet think how important the Tenth Commandment is to a community, to a nation, indeed to a presidential election. If you want a mule, if you want a pot roast, if you want a cleaning lady, don't be a jerk and whine about what the people across the street have--go get your own.

The Tenth Commandment sends a message to all the jerks who want redistribution of wealth, higher taxes, more government programs, more government regulation, more government, less free enterprise, and less freedom. And the message is clear and concise: Go to hell.

P.J. O'Rourke is a contributing editor to The Weekly Standard and author, most recently, of Peace Kills (Atlantic Monthly Press).

To that I Say:

First off, let me say that I am neither liberal nor conservative. I am a moderate. I didn't vote for Bush but I re-elected a Republican Senator in OH. I wouldn't say that moral issues were what decided the election for me, it was most definitely the abysmal employment situation in the State of Ohio.

It's interesting that you would say that I would be wrong if I told you that imposing my religious beliefs on you would be wrong. It is also wrong to impose your religious beliefs on other people. If I am an atheist, should I have to read about keeping the Sabbath day holy? I wouldn't think so. Just a thought.

I totally agree with you that the American Press can, at times, be totally biased. Which is why they were able to paint John Kerry as a flip flopper on the issue of Iraq when the president himself told congress he would veto the $87 billion package for Iraq if it were in the form of loans that Iraq would have to pay back rather than grants which is giving other people in the world nationalized health care while 40 million people in this country do not have health care. Just a thought.

"I happen to know that there are churches in the white, non-Hispanic suburbs where these Democrats live. Apparently jerks can't find them." That's starting to sound a lot like the pious man in the bible who thinks he's better than the sinner..

One question about privatization of Social Security... How does Mr. Bush expect to freeze federal spending at its current level in order to cut the deficit while having to spend more money to float two social security systems. If he says he will not change the social security system for those 55 and older, we will be paying for two social security systems until the last person that is 55 or older dies. But then again Bush left that part out. I guess both sides are telling half-truths about privatization of Social Security.

One thing I must say is that the commandment actually reads thou shalt not murder. Capital punishment is murder then how can one differentiate voting for a murderer (Kerry and Abortion) and voting for a murderer (Bush and Capital Punishment)?

I agree with you on the gay marriage, why would we have men marrying men and women marrying women when heterosexual couples already have the divorce rate over 50% so much for thou shalt not commit adultery.

I'm sorry I'm not rich. I can't help that I was born into the poorest big city in the country. But I do go to Saint Louis University a Jesuit university which is teaching me to be a man for others so eventually I shall be able to do my part for society. But once again I do apologize for my luck, I understand it's my fault that I'm poor. It could have been worse I could have been born in Somalia or some other third world country.

I HATE Michael Moore. I don't like George Bush. As you see, I haven't used anything that takes George Bush's words out of context. That's the problem with people like Michael Moore, they use short clips to craft an image that does not accurately portray who the person truly is. No sarcasm here, Michael Moore isn't a jerk, he's a jackass.

The Tenth Commandment sends a message to all the jerks who want redistribution of wealth, higher taxes, more government programs, more government regulation, more government, less free enterprise, and less freedom. And the message is clear and concise: Go to hell.....

I don't know where to start on that one..... I just let Josiah Bartlet do the talking here:

"I wanted to sell my youngest daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. She's a Georgetown Sophomore, speaks fluent Italian, always cleared the table when it was her turn. What would a good price for her be? While thinking about that, can I ask another? My chief of staff, Leo McGary, insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly says he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? Or is it okay to call the police? Here's one that's really important, because we've got a lot of sports fans in this town. Touching the skin of a dead pig makes one unclean. Leviticus 11:7. If they promise to wear gloves, can the Washington Redskins still play football? Can Notre Dame? Can West Point? Does the whole town really have to be together to stone my brother John for planting different crops side by side? Can I burn my mother in a small family gathering for wearing garments made from two different threads? Think about those questions, would you?"